“I’ve always gone to him for things like this, EVERYTHING really. I needed him so much. He became my world, the oxygen that filled my lungs as if I were on life support, and he my supply. Supply and demand I think.
For the moment, I know that I’m alive and feeling grateful to my supply. I guess that makes me the demand..for the moment, for that moment.
To be honest with myself, I had seen or I have felt; more times than I care to admit, his hand slowly methodically travel the length of that cord, my lifeline with a cold smile on his face. His eyes meet mine. I try to look away but I can’t. I get the distinct feeling that I am not allowed to look away. He wants me to watch him, his eyes command me to watch while his hand reaches the source that holds my supply; but not my demand. His demand, his demand that holds me paralyzed while I watch him pull the source of our intimate current out and that I watch while i witness everything that i hold sacred receive his tender but intentional perverse touch; between his thumb and forefinger before he allows it to come to rest in his now tightly clenched hand…”
~ Author – Bella Ireland
A letter from a friend after I went to her for advice on my relationship:
“Bella, that piece of paper that gives your living arrangements a title. That piece of paper, is more for practical reasons. Such as filing taxes, pensions, keeping records for the purpose of having your names in the system. The names of children; if any.
Paper= Proof of marriage= is a law made by man. For the purposes of many things that have nothing to do with love, promises made to each other between a man and a woman, respect, honor, commitments made from the hearts of soul mates.
Let’s put that aside for now because real love, honor, respect, promises made from a place of what is held sacred between a man and a woman should be nurtured, protected, and respected. There are necessary boundaries, priorities, responsibilities. Yes, responsibilities. Our men of today need a major overhaul. They have forgotten or have not been taught how to be a real man. On how to be real MEN standing strong as a leader. The MEN of today with respect and honor are becoming extinct. There are too many women de- valuing their selves, lowering the bar so low, that the men don’t have any standard to hold up too. When we allow this behavior that is unacceptable in their marriage, they then have to suffer the consequences. They’re children suffer the consequences.
Your marriage was over a very, very long time ago. Denial serves its purpose when we are so disappointed things don’t turn out the way we fantasize them too. So therefor we mourn the loss of what we wanted, of how things were supposed to be. Women in abusive relationships always, somehow find a way to blame themselves or feel like they don’t deserve to be treated like a queen. If you did command respect, respect would be present at all times.
It sounds to me that your ties to your husband, are similar to that of a young girl that had been kidnapped, taken against her will many, many years ago. And somehow, something starts to happen. The victim begins to look upon her captor as a care taker figure, father figure, heroic figure. An abuser; to the abused, becomes their lifeline. Reality gets further and further from the truth.
One element different in your case; different than being “kidnapped”,
You haven’t been kidnapped… You were very young when you met. You’re an empathetic person. Being an Empath leaves us very vulnerable; especially at a very young age.
Also, you two have a lot of history together. That in itself is scary. It’s natural to be scared. Scared of divorce. People don’t like change.
Bella, let this be. Get out while you’re still young.
He RESENTS you. He married you for a reason that he either A) grew out of
B) He had not so honorable, ulterior motives.
He was broken when you met. He resents… If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. He’s a con Bella. He’s a coward. He is not right in the head. He has no moral compass. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.
You t remember this, even though he resents you, there is something that he still wants from you. I would guess that would be your soul… The one thing he hasn’t mastered yet.”
I would like to dedicate the last chapter of my book to true life short stories from people around the world who have been affected by a Sociopath or Psychopath! If you are willing to write and send me your story and willing to give me rights to publish it anonymously in my book please email me your story to:
One of the things keeping me in this abusive relationship is financial hardship, this book is going be lifeline out, this book and this site are going to give me financial freedom to start over, somewhere new, somewhere light, somewhere safe! The book will be called Sing to Me Katy Perry please stop by and visit the website for my upcoming book as well!
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