Deprogram what they’ve done to your inner self!

It’s like I’m already learning to reprogram.  I can feel the self control finally creeping into my being.  Something I’ve struggled with since the day I met him and perhaps even long before if I really admit it to myself.  Perhaps that what allowed to penetrate and control my every thought from the get go.

For years I’ve not felt a minute of peace unless he was around.  Even his presence, just his sheer presence in a house full of anger and hatred were enough to make me feel better.  Sometimes he’s been to me, almost like resistant drug that I think I need, I must have to survive but just doesn’t agree with my sensitive system.

I’d fight for him, he’d pull away, always leaving me wanting just a little more of the torture.  I always somehow having me want some part of him, yet hate him at the same time.  It’s like since he got into my head I have no control over what I think are my needs, I let them dominate my life to the point at one point I would’ve turned my back on anyone just for him.  Yet he resists me, strings me along through years of life, afraid of his anger, hating his negativity, yet believing I am in love.  How can you hate and love someone at the same time?

I’m in a world of chaos and confusion yet on some level learning to crack the lock, solve the puzzle…..realize.  I can sit next to him and for a brief moment feel the yearning and unexplainable draw I had to him creep up, my heart begins to race, my breathing picks up and I think, let me just have a taste, let me just have a little taste of what I used to think we had.  I can feel the usual draw to just lean over and straddle his lap and kiss deeply like he’s done nothing wrong to me, like we love each other with purity.  But then I grasp it, for the first time like a ball out of the air and stop it in its tracks.  I am learning to manipulate to, my own mind!  It’s the most freeing yet terrifying feeling ever.

When you’ve been someone’s emotional puppet for so long you wonder how you will still move once they get bored and put down the strings.  I mean they’ve had you dancing at their fingertips like you had no ability of your own.  You came to believe that, after all you’re a “believer” are you not?

Yes I am.  I believe in magic, in darkness, in light, in people.  But now I must learn to finally believe in myself.  I must cut the strings one at a time.  Keep within myself.  Love myself.  I must a peace I never thought I had and rely on memories to survive for a while.  Just long enough I until I wean myself off of the drug that was him.

I feel like sociopath’s are to a degree, like the movie Drop Dead Fred, they are people with problems and a piece of them just makes “puppets” out of the rest of us.   She was killing that bad part of herself with pills, we must kill that part of us that believes the words that come out of a sociopath’s mouth and realize that they are all about control, once it’s lost or they get bored, you become just another old toy in the toy box that never gets touched and yet is still somehow trapped by you in there.  Or do you?????  Some say there’s no completely overcoming the damage a sociopath or psychopath has done to you, and  there’s a small part of me that unfortunately believes that too.  But maybe…………I just learned how to avoid the predator and how to peacefully “believe” in simply myself for creating the world I want to be in and happiness I’ve so craved for so long.


A Letter To End A 25 Year Marriage To a Sociopath

I watched YouTube and learned how to roll my own joint.   Something I always relied on you to do for me.  I sat by the river thinking, and a little bottle that looked like it might have a message in it floated up near the bank under the drop off.

I wanted it so bad, you know my hopeless romantic side that just had to see what long lost love might have sent a message out there years ago looking for the other?

I took the dogs home and got a mop so I could reach down there and try to grab it and pull it in with it but by the time I had gotten back it floated out into the middle under where that one tree branch dangles over and hits the water?  I was almost in tears.

Then I stood at the bank and thought, “how will I ever know what message the bottle holds for me if I’m too scared to just jump in and grab it”.  My heart raced as I told myself, “just do it, quick like a band-aid, in and out.  There are no alligators down there in this fresh Florida river water, just do it!”

So I came home to change my clothes and go get it.  Sometimes the unknown might just hold something amazing, you just have to take that first scary plunge to find out!!!

Oh and guess what else?  My joints are better than yours, in efficiency and buzzery!


#marriedtoasociopath  #abusiverelationship # sociopathabuse

Relationships with a Sociopath

Let There Be Light

Archangels-joker-card-1-It’s ironic that this page is in black in and white because there’s nothing black and white about a life with a sociopath.  In fact it’s quite the opposite!  The sociopath is much more like “The Joker”, and a life with sociopath is even like “Wonderland” and you’re Alice….nothing, and I mean nothing, is what it seems with a sociopath!

What is a a Sociopath?  so·ci·o·path *

  1. a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.


What makes a sociopath the way they are? They have a personality disorder that makes them pathological liars, manipulators, cheaters, users, abusers, and sometimes worse.  The scariest part about them is that they lack empathy or the ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes and they lack conscience so what’s to keep them from coming into your life, creating this person that seems to be the mate of your dreams, your hero, your ultimate fantasy in every-way only to get something they want from you and not batting an eye too how much they wreck your life, your heart, your soul? The answer……nothing!

Pretty scary stuff considering they have a way of perfecting their “character” and hiding their true identity which lies under whatever mask they are wearing at the time.  They are like a stealth bomber, coming in undetected and dropping a bomb on you that you never saw coming! Life with a sociopath can have your questioning your own sanity, your own reality, and they seem to have a way of putting some sort of spell on the people they are drawn to and want in their lives.  They become an addiction somehow like a drug that you can’t stop taking even though you know it’s killing you!

Please join us here in this place where everything IS what it seems, share your story in the Forum, gain support from me and other’s who have been affected by a sociopath or psychopath, this is a safe place where you can let out all that you’ve kept in, all the secrets and the pain you’ve endured.  I want this black and white paged website to remind you that black and white really does exist in this world, real people, real things, do exist and you don’t have to suffer at the hands of the “The Joker” any longer!

© Bella Ireland, affairwiththedarkside.com, lifewithasociopath.net, all names and content on this site are written by, owned by and copyrighted to Bella Ireland and shall not be taken or duplicated in any way. Copyright infringement will be enforced!

#sociopath #psycopath