It’s like I’m already learning to reprogram. I can feel the self control finally creeping into my being. Something I’ve struggled with since the day I met him and perhaps even long before if I really admit it to myself. Perhaps that what allowed to penetrate and control my every thought from the get go.
For years I’ve not felt a minute of peace unless he was around. Even his presence, just his sheer presence in a house full of anger and hatred were enough to make me feel better. Sometimes he’s been to me, almost like resistant drug that I think I need, I must have to survive but just doesn’t agree with my sensitive system.
I’d fight for him, he’d pull away, always leaving me wanting just a little more of the torture. I always somehow having me want some part of him, yet hate him at the same time. It’s like since he got into my head I have no control over what I think are my needs, I let them dominate my life to the point at one point I would’ve turned my back on anyone just for him. Yet he resists me, strings me along through years of life, afraid of his anger, hating his negativity, yet believing I am in love. How can you hate and love someone at the same time?
I’m in a world of chaos and confusion yet on some level learning to crack the lock, solve the puzzle…..realize. I can sit next to him and for a brief moment feel the yearning and unexplainable draw I had to him creep up, my heart begins to race, my breathing picks up and I think, let me just have a taste, let me just have a little taste of what I used to think we had. I can feel the usual draw to just lean over and straddle his lap and kiss deeply like he’s done nothing wrong to me, like we love each other with purity. But then I grasp it, for the first time like a ball out of the air and stop it in its tracks. I am learning to manipulate to, my own mind! It’s the most freeing yet terrifying feeling ever.
When you’ve been someone’s emotional puppet for so long you wonder how you will still move once they get bored and put down the strings. I mean they’ve had you dancing at their fingertips like you had no ability of your own. You came to believe that, after all you’re a “believer” are you not?
Yes I am. I believe in magic, in darkness, in light, in people. But now I must learn to finally believe in myself. I must cut the strings one at a time. Keep within myself. Love myself. I must a peace I never thought I had and rely on memories to survive for a while. Just long enough I until I wean myself off of the drug that was him.
I feel like sociopath’s are to a degree, like the movie Drop Dead Fred, they are people with problems and a piece of them just makes “puppets” out of the rest of us. She was killing that bad part of herself with pills, we must kill that part of us that believes the words that come out of a sociopath’s mouth and realize that they are all about control, once it’s lost or they get bored, you become just another old toy in the toy box that never gets touched and yet is still somehow trapped by you in there. Or do you????? Some say there’s no completely overcoming the damage a sociopath or psychopath has done to you, and there’s a small part of me that unfortunately believes that too. But maybe…………I just learned how to avoid the predator and how to peacefully “believe” in simply myself for creating the world I want to be in and happiness I’ve so craved for so long.